Since I started writing about leadership, something interesting keeps happening.

People keep asking me if I'm writing about them.

I wrote about micromanagement. Someone messaged: "Is this about me?"

I wrote about fast processors who leave their teams behind. Another message: "Are you talking about me?"

I wrote about how most leaders get one-on-ones wrong. Multiple people reached out.

Here's the thing: most of the time, yes. Even when the specific story isn't about them, they're seeing themselves in the pattern.

That's self-awareness starting to kick in.

The opposite of self-awareness? I once spent eight years trying to coach someone who had none.

Three times I tried to fire him. Each time, right before I worked up the courage, he'd make a tiny bit of progress. Just enough to keep me from walking away.

Finally, after five years, I fired him anyway.

Narcissists often pursue leadership and are selected for leadership positions. At the same time, they act in their own best interest, putting the needs and interests of others at risk.

Research shows narcissistic leadership harms job satisfaction and well-being while increasing stress and turnover. The signs show up long before the leader notices.

Here's what I learned: You can't coach someone who lacks self-awareness. And narcissism can be the extreme end of that spectrum.

Most leaders aren’t narcissists. Every leader struggles, to some degree, with seeing themselves clearly.

The Narcissism Spectrum (And Where Most Leaders Fall)

Narcissism is the far end of a continuum. Most leaders fall somewhere in the middle.

Research on leader narcissism is mixed, some studies show benefits like charisma or vision, while most find negative effects on teams. On balance, narcissism doesn’t predict leader effectiveness at all (unless the narcissist is the one doing the rating).

The problem isn't that leaders are necessarily narcissists. It's that they lack the self-awareness to see how their behavior affects others.

Leaders don’t realize they’re micromanaging until half the team quits.
They don’t see they’re creating anxiety until people stop speaking up.
They don’t notice favoritism until someone files a complaint.

By then, the damage is done.

Most Leaders Think They're Self-Aware

Research shows that when we see ourselves clearly, we’re more confident, more creative, and better decision-makers. We build stronger relationships, communicate more effectively, and lead more satisfied, higher-performing teams.

Yet most leaders overestimate their self-awareness dramatically. In one study, 95% of people believed they were self-aware — but only 10 to 15% actually were.

I'm no exception.

A while ago, I made a joke at the beginning of a meeting. A CEO I work with was interviewing a candidate. They hadn’t sent me the resume or job description in advance. I showed up cold.

I joked about it in front of the candidate: "I'm not even quite sure why I'm here. I don't have a resume, I don't have a job description. Don’t worry, we'll have a good conversation anyway."

The client pulled me aside later. What felt like lighthearted teasing to me made them feel embarrassed in front of the candidate.

This isn't the first time. I teased a consultant at a brainstorming session in front of a group. He kept going to the whiteboard when he wanted to speak. At some point I joked, "You can do that from your seat."

He felt embarrassed. He (rightfully) called me out on it privately.

Here's the thing: I know teasing creates shame. I've read enough Brené Brown to understand that teasing is one of the ways shame manifests in organizations. I know why it triggers reactions. I have replacement behaviors I could use instead.

The self-awareness isn't there in the moment. I’m working on it. It’s a process.

That's the gap between knowing and being aware.

The Three Stages of Coaching (And Why Self-Awareness Comes First)

There are three stages to effective coaching:

Awareness - I have a gap. I need to grow in this area.
New Behavior - I'm going to identify a replacement action.
Integration - I practice until it becomes natural.

Without awareness, steps two and three don't work.

I once worked with a client who wasn't detail-oriented, wasn't good under stress, and lost their temper in meetings. They'd realize after the fact: "I should have handled that differently." They couldn't detect the warning signs before blowing up.

So we found a workaround.

I asked: "Who's the closest person on your team? Could you be authentic with them and ask them to give you a cue when they see it coming?"

We made it subtle. A hand signal. Tug on the ear. A cough. Something innocuous that wouldn't draw attention in the middle of a meeting.

It was effective. Within two months, no more outbursts.

When self-awareness doesn’t come naturally, borrow it.

"If You're Like This Here, You're Like This Everywhere"

One of the most powerful tools for building self-awareness is connecting the dots.

A coach once told me: “If you’re like this here, you’re like this everywhere.”

Let’s say you’re always late to meetings. That’s not just a time management issue. A meeting time is a contract. An agreement to show up. If you keep violating that contract, where else do you struggle with integrity?

Are you late on deliverables? Do you overpromise and underdeliver? Do you miss commitments at home too?

When you connect three examples, you stop seeing isolated issues and start seeing a pattern.
That’s when awareness becomes actionable.

Seeing Yourself in Others' Stories

You're reading someone else's failure and recognizing it in yourself. You're seeing a behavior described and thinking, "Wait, I do that."

I see this in the CEO peer groups I facilitate. At the end of each session, I ask: "What's your takeaway from today?"

Often, someone will say their biggest takeaway came from someone else's issue, not their own. They heard another CEO describe a challenge and suddenly recognized the same pattern in their own organization.

That's how self-awareness can build. Not just by looking inward. By seeing yourself reflected in others' experiences.

If you're reading this and wondering "Is this about me?" that's a good sign. It means you're paying attention.

Practice, Not Perfection

Self-awareness isn't about being perfect. It's about seeing where you fall short and doing the work anyway.

Brené Brown says that if she could hire for one quality, it would be self-awareness. Her research is clear: there is no courage without vulnerability. And you can't be vulnerable about blind spots you don't see.

Your team already sees your blind spots. Don’t let yourself be the only one who doesn't.

I still make mistakes. I still tease when I shouldn’t. I still miss cues in the moment. Now I catch myself faster. That’s progress.

The narcissist I coached for eight years never got there.
He couldn't see himself clearly enough to change.

Don't be that leader.

Ask for feedback. Connect the dots. Look for yourself in others' stories.
Self-awareness isn't a destination. It's a daily practice.
And it's the most important work you'll do as a leader.